Friday, June 17, 2005

posted by Josh at
It bothers me that a beer with the phrases "From the Brewers of Guiness", and "Imported" on the front label has the phrase "Product of Canada" in small print on the back.

Don't get me wrong, there are some mighty fine canadian beers. But when I'm buying something designed to make me believe it's an irish beer, it's an unpleasant discovery to find that the people who made it say things like "Eh?", as opposed to "They're after me lucky charms", and "I know you're my mother, I'm still gonna punch ya if you don't shut up during the game!".

... But I kid the irish. And the Canadians. And the jews, mexicans, and occasionally people from Idaho. Pretty much the only people I hate with a fiery burning passion is white people, because you're all trying to keep me down because I'm young, black, and gifted.

... I've just been informed by my girlfriend that while I am young, instead of "Black" and "Gifted", it's closer to "White" and "Asshole"... Also it seems white people form the majority of my fan base... In retrospect, I would like to retract my original statement of "hating white people", and to replace it with the following;

I love white people. My earlier statements that all white people are ignorant, viral locusts could not be farther from the truth.

... I have just been informed by an anonymous source that I have never publicly called white people "ignorant, viral locusts", up until the paragraph directly preceding this one. I would like to take this opportunity to to openly apologize to any cracker-ass cracker I have offended.

... My girlfriend just reminded me again that I'm white, so I should probably stop referring to white people as "Cracker-ass crackers". So I'm just going to stop talking right now, and show you more pictures of Amalia, one of the actresses for Egodriven's upcoming movie, "A Purely Suburban Problem". I have it on good authority that she's "one fine-ass white bitch".

... See, I did it again. I didn't stop talking until about a sentence after I should of. Dammit. Here's Amalia.


Blogger Edminster said...

Nicely written, Mr. Whitey McCrackerhonky. And please, keep up the writing. It amuses me.

2:09 AM, June 20, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn hot

Mish, Genny, Matt, Rachel, Brian, Sam, and Chris [with our pants down]

12:19 PM, June 20, 2005  
Blogger Josh said...

Thanks Edminister. Glad to see I'm amusing a libertarian. You guys tend to be much harder to impress. Anytime someone has the gun collection of a republican, but hates taxes, and has some liberal democratic viewpoints, but hates taxes... Well, let's just say that's a slice of America that's a hard audience to write for. :)

And as to mass of people underneath; Pants are evil, so probably a good call keeping them down. Did you know that Kennedy was wearing pants when he was assassinated? Can't be a coincidence.

1:31 PM, June 20, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fosters beer, marketed in the UK as Australian, is brewed in Edinburgh. I remember having a similar reaction when I first read that on the back of the can. You'll get over it.

this reminds me of a story I've been wanting to share. I suffer from depression from time to time. This manefests itself in various ways and with various symptoms. Occasionally constipation. On this particular occasion I hadn't managed to take a crap for about a week despite several attempts at eating laxatives, i'm sure you get the picture. The pain and associated difficulty in moving convinced me to go to the doctor. She (yep, it was a woman) listened to my story and then told me that she was going to do a "digital examination" and i should lie on the examination table with my trousers around my ankles, turn to face the wall, and bring my knees up to my chest. easier said than done, given my discomfort. The examination table had a rather large blue version of a bog roll with a portion of it extended over the area upon which i was to place myself. retrospectively, this was insufficient. i managed to ease myself into the requested position, and my doctor proceeded to put on a pair of rubber gloves (good move) and slap a bit of lubricant on her finger (don't ask me which one - i wasn't looking). then she comenced the examination, which hurt. A lot. what happened next is probably best described by the phrase "complete and involuntary colonic evacuation" .

i just couldn't stop myself, you have to believe me. the blue toilet paper type thing simply wasn't man enough for the job. i'd like to say i was embarassed, but to be honest with you, i was so relieved the only thing i could manage to say was something like "i had no idea you were going to try something like that, or that it was going to work so effectively."

i'm considering changing my general practicioner. i think it's for the best.

8:39 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger Josh said...

I absolutely, positively, love my readers.

Hmm... I'd imagine that would be quite a relief.

12:59 AM, June 29, 2005  

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