Few who know me would ever think to describe me as a spiritual man, but I do take what I like to think of as a bi-monthly 2 am pilgrimage to Walmart. I wander the sacred halls with a friend or two and bask in the glorious savings on every consumer product known to man. The catharsis I receive from this ritual is as great as it is difficult to describe in words, but one of my favorite aspects of these excursions is in the discovery of new and exciting ways that people come up with to sell you the same old shit over and over again.

Case in point; Gatorade has released a new product line called "Gatorade Tiger". Incase the name doesn't give it away, it's three new flavors of Gatorade baring the name and label-likeness of PGA champ Tiger Woods. It's said that Woods even "picked out the flavors himself". That's good enough for me!

But why stop there? With a name as hot as Tiger's, you shouldn't limit yourself to just endorsing products that touch your life personally! I was discussing this matter with my girlfriend, and the idea of a Tiger Woods endorsed feminine hygiene product was broached. She came up with the name, and she even made a prototype!

Introducing...


I came up with the slogan! Bet you wish you'd thought of it, huh? Don't feel bad, I'm in marketing. Like I said, this is just a prototype. My girlfriend, a woman herself, knows that most women wouldn't want to insert something covered in orange paint and black sharpie into their naughty-bits. Which is lucky, because I myself may not have guessed that.

Well Tiger, if you're reading this, we're working on a business plan now, and we'll approach you officially once we've figured out the whole "stained vagina" problem. Our people will call your people, as soon as I find some people who handle this kind of thing. It may take a while. Ciao.