Sunday, March 02, 2008
Jeff Writes;
Folks, I got a problem. A sexual problem.
Okay, I have a few of those but let's take a dose of Ritalin and focus here for just a second. Kay?
The girls that I pursue with the prospect of "relationship" in the back of my mind generally have boyfriends. In fact, they always do! Usually well-off, reliable, long-term boyfriends that I'd like to have if I were a woman... or a very flamboyant man that enjoys virtual pets and the sweet voice of Josh Groban. I gotta mention that possibility; wouldn't want to exclude anybody. Even hypothetically!
Now not only that, but I'm suddenly finding that a surprisingly large portion of the female population that I pursue with less commitment in mind already have special friends.
Huh? You already have men that you keep on the speed-dial for one-button service? Just like OnStar, huh? Hey, how does that stop me from plowing you in those special ways that I've neglected to attempt on my driveway? The spread of STDs of course, but hey, we have condoms for that shit. You know, those life-draining little rubber bags that you're always embarrassed to buy at the pharmacy. "It's for a friend!", right? Look, if I'm going to wear one of these phallus-choking devices, there had better be a STD to protect myself from. You hear me?
On the subject of contraception in the form of primitive rubber jackets, I've got three things to say.
A. Ladies, never judge a man on his intercourse while wearing a condom. That's like me chopping your clit off, fucking you, and then asking "HEY, DIDJA ENJOY THAT?!"
B. Trojan, please stop charging extra for Magnum XLs. That's like a clothing store progressively charging more for larger sizes. What, we're going to be financially chastised for being just a little bigger than certain other people? Isn't that a form of bigotry? Look, I know you're jealous of my man-wang but let's not hold grudges! On that note, make Magnum XLs a little bigger...
C. Also for Trojan: where are the novelty versions of my Magnum XL, mother fuckers? What's your excuse for denying a significant segment of your targeted demographic a simple pleasure as, say, ridges? Men with larger penises love ridges. I'd take Ruffles over Lays any day! Not only that, but the Magnum XL is a vanity size. I hate to pass that along to some of you guys out there that may or may not have nothing else to pride yourselves on than an extra-large condom requirement, but yes, most men need at least a Magnum. Those that don't have my sympathy and respect.
But fuck their problems, I was talking about me!
So I have a magnetic affinity for [highly] attached women, my fling-focused girls are already flung, and this? This leaves me in a bind. So I look to work, my day job, for some potent poon-tang! And at my current job I've found a bevy of butterfaces. Upper-level women in the body department, at least, but some of them have looks that could kill. My sex drive.
Which works for a fling or a one-nighter, okay? But a lot of these women really want at least the possibility of a relationship! Hell, I do too. Believe it or not, I'm really a relationship guy. I just hate to tell these people that their body has written a check that their face can't cash!
My final alternative is my career. I'm an actor and an entertainer, for those not in the know. I've been quite involved in theater, film, TV, radio, and every other media type that I can get my hands on and my fingers into. I'm joining The Screen Actor's Guild in 8 days, taking a large step that will cement my path in this area! So you could say that I'm doing well, and meeting (and dating) plenty of hot women. Y'know, the type that those corporate money-mongers need to attract the masses to their movies and their shows and their shampoo and their alcoholic beverages.
But wait! Isn't this a solution to my aforementioned problem? It would be, if I had time to focus on acting... but I work an exhaustingly active 40-hour-a-week job! With a bunch of butterfaces! And when I go out to drink away them, I meet women that already have fuck-friends that are so satisfying, I'd want to fuck 'em! ...Ah, that's my homoerotic statement quota for the day.
Maybe it's time to throw "sexual identity" on my list of problems, huh?
Okay, I have a few of those but let's take a dose of Ritalin and focus here for just a second. Kay?
The girls that I pursue with the prospect of "relationship" in the back of my mind generally have boyfriends. In fact, they always do! Usually well-off, reliable, long-term boyfriends that I'd like to have if I were a woman... or a very flamboyant man that enjoys virtual pets and the sweet voice of Josh Groban. I gotta mention that possibility; wouldn't want to exclude anybody. Even hypothetically!
Now not only that, but I'm suddenly finding that a surprisingly large portion of the female population that I pursue with less commitment in mind already have special friends.
Huh? You already have men that you keep on the speed-dial for one-button service? Just like OnStar, huh? Hey, how does that stop me from plowing you in those special ways that I've neglected to attempt on my driveway? The spread of STDs of course, but hey, we have condoms for that shit. You know, those life-draining little rubber bags that you're always embarrassed to buy at the pharmacy. "It's for a friend!", right? Look, if I'm going to wear one of these phallus-choking devices, there had better be a STD to protect myself from. You hear me?
On the subject of contraception in the form of primitive rubber jackets, I've got three things to say.
A. Ladies, never judge a man on his intercourse while wearing a condom. That's like me chopping your clit off, fucking you, and then asking "HEY, DIDJA ENJOY THAT?!"
B. Trojan, please stop charging extra for Magnum XLs. That's like a clothing store progressively charging more for larger sizes. What, we're going to be financially chastised for being just a little bigger than certain other people? Isn't that a form of bigotry? Look, I know you're jealous of my man-wang but let's not hold grudges! On that note, make Magnum XLs a little bigger...
C. Also for Trojan: where are the novelty versions of my Magnum XL, mother fuckers? What's your excuse for denying a significant segment of your targeted demographic a simple pleasure as, say, ridges? Men with larger penises love ridges. I'd take Ruffles over Lays any day! Not only that, but the Magnum XL is a vanity size. I hate to pass that along to some of you guys out there that may or may not have nothing else to pride yourselves on than an extra-large condom requirement, but yes, most men need at least a Magnum. Those that don't have my sympathy and respect.
But fuck their problems, I was talking about me!
So I have a magnetic affinity for [highly] attached women, my fling-focused girls are already flung, and this? This leaves me in a bind. So I look to work, my day job, for some potent poon-tang! And at my current job I've found a bevy of butterfaces. Upper-level women in the body department, at least, but some of them have looks that could kill. My sex drive.
Which works for a fling or a one-nighter, okay? But a lot of these women really want at least the possibility of a relationship! Hell, I do too. Believe it or not, I'm really a relationship guy. I just hate to tell these people that their body has written a check that their face can't cash!
My final alternative is my career. I'm an actor and an entertainer, for those not in the know. I've been quite involved in theater, film, TV, radio, and every other media type that I can get my hands on and my fingers into. I'm joining The Screen Actor's Guild in 8 days, taking a large step that will cement my path in this area! So you could say that I'm doing well, and meeting (and dating) plenty of hot women. Y'know, the type that those corporate money-mongers need to attract the masses to their movies and their shows and their shampoo and their alcoholic beverages.
But wait! Isn't this a solution to my aforementioned problem? It would be, if I had time to focus on acting... but I work an exhaustingly active 40-hour-a-week job! With a bunch of butterfaces! And when I go out to drink away them, I meet women that already have fuck-friends that are so satisfying, I'd want to fuck 'em! ...Ah, that's my homoerotic statement quota for the day.
Maybe it's time to throw "sexual identity" on my list of problems, huh?
Comments:
Jeff, you're a homo. it's hidden deep, but it's definitely there. Don't fight it, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
# posted by 
: 4:58 AM, March 14, 2008
: 4:58 AM, March 14, 2008
The information contained in this comment would be consistent with some of the dreams I've been having.
I concur I've wanted vanity magnum XL condoms for a awhile now.
And on other note where the fuck is the "My man wears Magnum XL's" t-shirts. Extreme XL graphics and all. That why when I goto the motehr fucking mall people now to get to stepping away from my girl, cause they can't hang with what I'm bringing to the table.
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And on other note where the fuck is the "My man wears Magnum XL's" t-shirts. Extreme XL graphics and all. That why when I goto the motehr fucking mall people now to get to stepping away from my girl, cause they can't hang with what I'm bringing to the table.
