Tuesday, November 18, 2008

posted by Jeff at
Monkeys don't really like bananas.

That is an all too common and frankly prejudice stereotype. They actually prefer citrus. Fruits that require a sensitive touch to fully reap the benefits of, unlike bananas. A nuanced approach that humans would like to think that they've monopolized, but let's get real. Saying that monkeys love bananas is like saying that Chinese people rike liceballs. Fucking racism.

Consuming an excessive amount of potassium can trigger a stroke. It makes you wonder why there haven't been reports of monkeys seizing up in cardiac attack across Africa, right? It's because they never eat bananas off-camera. They maintain a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, and assorted meats... much like we humans do. Why isn't this fact publicized?

I believe wholeheartedly that it is a PR move by humans to make primates seem like silly objects used solely for our amusement. A concerted effort to pull the wool over our eyes so that we can continue to perpetuate this falsehood against nature. A movement, if you will, to keep monkeys from being assimilated into proper society.

We are talking about a race of prospective people that is being universally oppressed. What you see of monkeys in the media? That's what they want you to see! We are being kept in the dark because... oh, it's much easier to bear chimps and orangutans when they're doing tricks and throwing barrels at video game plumbers and eating their favorite fucking food, bananas. King Kong? Blatantly defamatory propaganda designed to instill a fear of the ape into public consciousness.

Did you know that apes have their own extensive language and vocabulary? Of course you didn't, because the government has blocked all research on the subject. Endeavors have been made to bridge the sociological gap between humans and gorillas for years, but always become mysteriously brickwalled for some indeterminate reason! Mighty Joe Young? A true patriot. But I betcha didn't know that he graduated the University of South Africa with a Masters in Language Arts, did you?

And have you heard about the monkey that speaks fluent English? Why would you have? The United Nations (under orders of the President of the United States of America) confiscated her and placed her in confinement at a classified location. If it were to leak to the masses that this evolutionary event had occurred, it would change the world. Monkeys would be able to collect union wage for their efforts in advertising colorized sugar mix. They'd be free to roam the earth, build homes, and start families... without the dark cloud of heavy-duty adhesives hanging over their head. They would be able to take dramatic roles in films.

Need I say more? It's time to make a difference. End slavery now!

[Paid for by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals]

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