My fellow prisoners... we have secured a victory. A true maverick will be coming to the Oval Office in January, and with him, the dreams of a nation. I'm remaining cautiously optimistic, but I sincerely hope that President Obama won't follow in Bush's footsteps in being a follower of his cabinet's ideals.
What the people of Alabama have dubbed "Nigger Tuesday," I consider to be the turn of a dark page in our time. A step in the right direction. We need somebody that isn't afraid to pull the rug out from under the top 1% of the upper-class population and give something back to the people below that so desperately need help. For the first time, I voted Democrat and I did so proudly. Albeit, I feel that former MA governor Mitt Romney may have been a better choice... but the Axis of Evil disagreed with me. They chose a lawn gnome and a washed up bikini model as their candidates, and they met a bitter end. Quite fittingly. When I say that "I'd prefer the Mormon" in any context, you know that something is terribly wrong. Kay?
If analysts were calling Bush's popular vote win in 2004 a "mandate," then what the hell happened this past week? A super-mandate? Obama crushed McCain into a little ball of aged white cheddar, smeared him on his toast, and ate him for breakfast Wednesday morning! With a liberal dose of coffee, black.
I love breakfast foods (and blatantly racist jokes) so bear with me.
That's all I've really got to say on the election. My presidential candidate won, 2/3 of the ballot questions that I voted for passed (including one that borderline legalizes marijuana in the Bay State) and thus I'm a happy little shit. Now then, enough with the celebration... time to take a page from Grandpa George's book and rifle off a list of random things that are pissing me off!
Let's start with these homeless men that walk between cars asking for change at large, convoluted intersections. Not only is begging a dead end street, but are impatient drivers really the best market to go after? You know, if I were a homeless beggar, I'd stick to convenience store fronts and fast food joints. Passerbys and patrons not only have more immediate access to coinage, but they also don't have a traffic light to catch. Put your brain to work and change your strategy, Pauper Pete! And what about these flower bunches that they're always trying to sell us? I appreciate the sentiment, but... uhm... where the fuck are you getting these bouquets? Is this some sort of half-baked government initiative to rehabilitate the homeless by re-introducing them to capitalism? It's thoughts like these that make me sleepy and more apt to "accidentally" clip a beggar with my sideview mirror.
Number 2: Extremely popular restaurants that have virtually no capacity at all. If you've been a successful business for decades and your customers constantly struggle with a wait time (to the point where you ask your other customers to leave after 30-45 minutes) then it's probably time to super-size. And while we're on the subject of hot-spot eateries that have stupid fucking problems... business owners. I implore you. Invest in credit/debit card readers. It is the 21st century, and I am a proponent of moving to a society devoid of green paper and smelly coins. Stop privatizing the damned debit cards; make them a government service. It's common knowledge that pennies cost more than one cent to produce, and it won't be long before the same can be said for nickels, dimes, and quarters. Now, I know that the logistics make this almost impossible... but isn't that what we said about a black president only 50 years ago?
To continue this thought, I am tired of gas stations that charge you extra if you want to use credit/debit. Go fuck yourself. But on the bright side, local unleaded fuel prices are below $2/gallon again. If you pay with cash.
3. Nightclubs with fucked up dress codes. In Boston, I've found numerous hot spots that will allow shorts, short skirts, jeans, ripped jeans, t-shirts... but do not allow athletic wear. This means, yes, you can wear khaki shorts. But you can't wear black workout pants that look (on first glance) like dress pants. They will turn you away at the door for this, and will generally get defensive when you call them on how outrageous this hypocrisy is. I'm not a fan of any ridiculously idiosyncratic rule, but I'm more amazed at how the staff handles their customers. I was taught in the service industry that the customer is always right, but apparently that doesn't extend to bouncers. At a bowling alley, no less! Hey, judge me not by the fabric of my clothes. Move over, Scooter, I'm sitting at the front of the bus.
4. Anybody that judges a band on solely their best known song. Especially if it's not at all indicative of the rest of their work. Look, we live in the age of YouTube, iTunes, and most importantly BitTorrent. You have plenty of opportunities to explore an artist before passing judgment on them, based on what corporate America deemed their most marketable work. This extends to other forms of media as well; movies, literature, television, video games. Too often I hear elaborate arguments against products that the people arguing haven't even experienced! Their rebuttal? "Well, you just have to smell a turd to know it's a turd."
Bullshit. Just because you can eloquently talk out of your ass doesn't mean that your breath doesn't stink. Take a step back and examine the situation before you start mouthing off, and understand your own subjectivity! Be in touch with the idea that you're an individual, and that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. This will inevitably put you on a path of objectivity and... ultimately? Maturity.
5. Most American voters. Good God, the types of political arguments that I hear from people that just can't explain their views for the life of them. I can understand not knowing that much about a given subject. Ask me about marine biology and I'll probably just pretend that you coughed in a foreign language. However, if you're going to get rowdy and in my face, it's time to back up the facts!
My favorite person to talk "current events" with would have to be my mother. She has profound political insight. For example, the other day... she told me that she wasn't voting for Obama because he'll let anybody marry anything. Her most potent example was a man marrying a boy. I had to agree, because I wouldn't want any president in office that'd eliminate the Age of Consent just to allow pedophiliac marriages! Seems counter-productive, y'know?
6. Commercials for products and services that are not available in my area. Namely, Sonic Restaurants. Look, I don't care how fucking witty your marketing team is or how delicious your food looks! If you and I aren't located in the same state, this simply isn't going to work... so stop wasting your advertising money. For the record, I take the same stance with relationships.
Next... I could write a book on my driving pet peeves, but let's just dip our toes for the moment. People that get on my ass even when I'm going 20MPH over the speed limit on police-saturated highways. I've discovered that most drivers' favorite speed isn't 80MPH. It isn't 100MPH. It isn't 200, or even 1000MPH. It's "faster than you." No matter how speedy I am, there will always be somebody trying to eclipse me. Too many people have a sort of "leader" complex. Maybe it's peace of mind: they want to eliminate all chance of hitting somebody else. Being at fault. I can't tell. I just know that it's fucking annoying. They have the balls to flash their high beams when I'm already going fast enough to lose my license. Get bent, thanks.
On the same note, your car horn should be allowed only 3 beeps per month. Emergencies only.
Truly folks, it's not the what of stupid things that bothers me. It's the why. How about being against the slaughtering of animals for their delicious meat, but also being against synthetic (i.e. vat-grown) meat? The why being "because then we'd be playing God." Believe it or not, I've heard this argument.
These people exist!
Seriously? We've been playing God for centuries. How do you define "playing God?" Ask people from a millennium ago about this. From their perspective, I would be living in Miracletown as we speak. It's all relative! Now, yes... there are ways that human progress could go wrong... but there is risk in all ventures. In this case, the reward is so great that it's entirely worth the effort. The human race has always aspired to be more than the sum of its fleshy parts and its animalistic tendencies. We're the first species transcendent enough to convince ourselves that we're so special... that it took a divine being to create us! I would gladly trade some humility for the ability to save lives through such once-unfathomable miracles as open-heart surgery, cancer research, and modern medicine. The latter of which benefits greatly from animal testing.
It all depends on where you want to draw the line. One day, we may be universally called upon to draw a big line in the sand to prevent a self-imposed catastrophe of science. I can only be thankful that such a day won't likely come in my lifetime.
...
9. Caesar vinaigrette. Who the fuck came up with this shit?
What the people of Alabama have dubbed "Nigger Tuesday," I consider to be the turn of a dark page in our time. A step in the right direction. We need somebody that isn't afraid to pull the rug out from under the top 1% of the upper-class population and give something back to the people below that so desperately need help. For the first time, I voted Democrat and I did so proudly. Albeit, I feel that former MA governor Mitt Romney may have been a better choice... but the Axis of Evil disagreed with me. They chose a lawn gnome and a washed up bikini model as their candidates, and they met a bitter end. Quite fittingly. When I say that "I'd prefer the Mormon" in any context, you know that something is terribly wrong. Kay?
If analysts were calling Bush's popular vote win in 2004 a "mandate," then what the hell happened this past week? A super-mandate? Obama crushed McCain into a little ball of aged white cheddar, smeared him on his toast, and ate him for breakfast Wednesday morning! With a liberal dose of coffee, black.
I love breakfast foods (and blatantly racist jokes) so bear with me.
That's all I've really got to say on the election. My presidential candidate won, 2/3 of the ballot questions that I voted for passed (including one that borderline legalizes marijuana in the Bay State) and thus I'm a happy little shit. Now then, enough with the celebration... time to take a page from Grandpa George's book and rifle off a list of random things that are pissing me off!
Let's start with these homeless men that walk between cars asking for change at large, convoluted intersections. Not only is begging a dead end street, but are impatient drivers really the best market to go after? You know, if I were a homeless beggar, I'd stick to convenience store fronts and fast food joints. Passerbys and patrons not only have more immediate access to coinage, but they also don't have a traffic light to catch. Put your brain to work and change your strategy, Pauper Pete! And what about these flower bunches that they're always trying to sell us? I appreciate the sentiment, but... uhm... where the fuck are you getting these bouquets? Is this some sort of half-baked government initiative to rehabilitate the homeless by re-introducing them to capitalism? It's thoughts like these that make me sleepy and more apt to "accidentally" clip a beggar with my sideview mirror.
Number 2: Extremely popular restaurants that have virtually no capacity at all. If you've been a successful business for decades and your customers constantly struggle with a wait time (to the point where you ask your other customers to leave after 30-45 minutes) then it's probably time to super-size. And while we're on the subject of hot-spot eateries that have stupid fucking problems... business owners. I implore you. Invest in credit/debit card readers. It is the 21st century, and I am a proponent of moving to a society devoid of green paper and smelly coins. Stop privatizing the damned debit cards; make them a government service. It's common knowledge that pennies cost more than one cent to produce, and it won't be long before the same can be said for nickels, dimes, and quarters. Now, I know that the logistics make this almost impossible... but isn't that what we said about a black president only 50 years ago?
To continue this thought, I am tired of gas stations that charge you extra if you want to use credit/debit. Go fuck yourself. But on the bright side, local unleaded fuel prices are below $2/gallon again. If you pay with cash.
3. Nightclubs with fucked up dress codes. In Boston, I've found numerous hot spots that will allow shorts, short skirts, jeans, ripped jeans, t-shirts... but do not allow athletic wear. This means, yes, you can wear khaki shorts. But you can't wear black workout pants that look (on first glance) like dress pants. They will turn you away at the door for this, and will generally get defensive when you call them on how outrageous this hypocrisy is. I'm not a fan of any ridiculously idiosyncratic rule, but I'm more amazed at how the staff handles their customers. I was taught in the service industry that the customer is always right, but apparently that doesn't extend to bouncers. At a bowling alley, no less! Hey, judge me not by the fabric of my clothes. Move over, Scooter, I'm sitting at the front of the bus.
4. Anybody that judges a band on solely their best known song. Especially if it's not at all indicative of the rest of their work. Look, we live in the age of YouTube, iTunes, and most importantly BitTorrent. You have plenty of opportunities to explore an artist before passing judgment on them, based on what corporate America deemed their most marketable work. This extends to other forms of media as well; movies, literature, television, video games. Too often I hear elaborate arguments against products that the people arguing haven't even experienced! Their rebuttal? "Well, you just have to smell a turd to know it's a turd."
Bullshit. Just because you can eloquently talk out of your ass doesn't mean that your breath doesn't stink. Take a step back and examine the situation before you start mouthing off, and understand your own subjectivity! Be in touch with the idea that you're an individual, and that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. This will inevitably put you on a path of objectivity and... ultimately? Maturity.
5. Most American voters. Good God, the types of political arguments that I hear from people that just can't explain their views for the life of them. I can understand not knowing that much about a given subject. Ask me about marine biology and I'll probably just pretend that you coughed in a foreign language. However, if you're going to get rowdy and in my face, it's time to back up the facts!
My favorite person to talk "current events" with would have to be my mother. She has profound political insight. For example, the other day... she told me that she wasn't voting for Obama because he'll let anybody marry anything. Her most potent example was a man marrying a boy. I had to agree, because I wouldn't want any president in office that'd eliminate the Age of Consent just to allow pedophiliac marriages! Seems counter-productive, y'know?
6. Commercials for products and services that are not available in my area. Namely, Sonic Restaurants. Look, I don't care how fucking witty your marketing team is or how delicious your food looks! If you and I aren't located in the same state, this simply isn't going to work... so stop wasting your advertising money. For the record, I take the same stance with relationships.
Next... I could write a book on my driving pet peeves, but let's just dip our toes for the moment. People that get on my ass even when I'm going 20MPH over the speed limit on police-saturated highways. I've discovered that most drivers' favorite speed isn't 80MPH. It isn't 100MPH. It isn't 200, or even 1000MPH. It's "faster than you." No matter how speedy I am, there will always be somebody trying to eclipse me. Too many people have a sort of "leader" complex. Maybe it's peace of mind: they want to eliminate all chance of hitting somebody else. Being at fault. I can't tell. I just know that it's fucking annoying. They have the balls to flash their high beams when I'm already going fast enough to lose my license. Get bent, thanks.
On the same note, your car horn should be allowed only 3 beeps per month. Emergencies only.
Truly folks, it's not the what of stupid things that bothers me. It's the why. How about being against the slaughtering of animals for their delicious meat, but also being against synthetic (i.e. vat-grown) meat? The why being "because then we'd be playing God." Believe it or not, I've heard this argument.
These people exist!
Seriously? We've been playing God for centuries. How do you define "playing God?" Ask people from a millennium ago about this. From their perspective, I would be living in Miracletown as we speak. It's all relative! Now, yes... there are ways that human progress could go wrong... but there is risk in all ventures. In this case, the reward is so great that it's entirely worth the effort. The human race has always aspired to be more than the sum of its fleshy parts and its animalistic tendencies. We're the first species transcendent enough to convince ourselves that we're so special... that it took a divine being to create us! I would gladly trade some humility for the ability to save lives through such once-unfathomable miracles as open-heart surgery, cancer research, and modern medicine. The latter of which benefits greatly from animal testing.
It all depends on where you want to draw the line. One day, we may be universally called upon to draw a big line in the sand to prevent a self-imposed catastrophe of science. I can only be thankful that such a day won't likely come in my lifetime.
...
9. Caesar vinaigrette. Who the fuck came up with this shit?
posted by Jeff at
11:38 AM
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