Tuesday, November 25, 2008

posted by Jeff at
Thanksgiving is here again. The family gathering in memory of our earliest Pilgrim settlers, brought together by a glorious array of pies, hearty roasted birds, and delectable high-carb side dishes. But this year, I'm looking forward to "giving back" in a way that I never contemplated before. Donating my sperm to the New England Cryogenic Center.

I'm gonna make my testicles work for me!

It's good money, and I like the idea of silently populating the homosexual homes of America. Making dreams come true for couples of all shapes, sizes, and smells that simply can't conceive. It's probably the least selfish way of cultivating my god complex, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

What I found interesting, though, is this requirement sheet on the NECC website.

NECC is currently seeking men of all ethnic backgrounds to become sperm donors.

To become a donor, you must be:

Between the ages of 18 and 38.
5’8 to 6’4 in height.
A college student or graduate.


I can understand the age requirement. Nobody wants to waste their time searching for miracles in old sperm; this is a young man's game! However, doesn't 5'8" to 6'4" seems a little elitist to you? What they're perpetrating is that society doesn't need any more "little people" or even the Big and Tall! They're trying to level the playing field, to homogenize the households of test-tube families across the Greater Boston area! But it doesn't stop there... you have to be a college student or graduate.

No stupid sperm!

No lower-class sperm either, they already have enough of those running around. Wink wink!

Of course, none of this applies to me.

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