Sunday, February 01, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Just because February is Black People Month doesn't mean that there aren't black people in other months.

So I was at the supermarket the other day, perusing various goods... when something occurred to me: Cranberry is a slut!

Why does Cranberry have its dick in every other fruit's business? Especially in the juice department! Do you ever see Raspberry Juice? Fuck no. But you do see Cran-Raspberry. Cran-Strawberry. Cran-Grape. Cran-Mango. Even Cran-Apple, bridging the void between two very market-savvy fruits! What do I mean by that? Think about Thanksgiving! What is the sole fruit item associated with this, the biggest meal of the year? Cranberry sauce! What is this monopolizing shit? Does the cranberry have a big case of small dick syndrome? (see what I did there?)

Another thing that gets my goat is this New England weather. I've lived here for almost 25 years, and you know what I say? Bring on global warming. I don't care if the apocalypse comes, the polar ice caps melt, and my children's children drown in a city-crushing tidal wave. It is fucking cold, and I'm tired of it. I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago because they were undergoing a glacial transformation, much like the streets! I have to drive like an old lady and walk like an old man. Despite this, I've gotten so good at hydroplaning that I'm ready to start a clinic! Get a little side income going, y'know? It's madness.

And who is this Sarah Palin? The name rings a bell but I'm drawing a blank.


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