Sunday, February 08, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Sometimes orgasms are like Pringles. You can't have just one.

I'm OK. How are you? Thanks for asking. Here are some pranks that you probably shouldn't pull!

Prank #1: Puking in and around somebody's mouth while they're sleeping. This one is kind of self-explanatory... but as an avid viewer of How Things Work, I feel it my obligation to flesh this one out. How could I be so bold as to tell you not to do something this fun without a damned good reason, right? Right. Let's start with the fact that you'd have to make yourself barf! Puke doesn't taste good, and it's not a prank if you're laughing with your target. Tasting your own puke is too much work for too little reward. Also, the person targeted would never, ever trust you again.

Prank #2: Lighting dog shit candles in a dark corner of somebody's basement. More involved than prank #1, but less orally-invasive and with a significantly longer impact. Again, you probably shouldn't do this, but for the sake of education I will tell you how! Simply begin making a scented candle, and mix a heaping pile of fresh doggy poo into your wax. Gross? Yes. A good reason why you need to take this message as a clear warning! But finish the process as usual, plant one or more of your customized "designer" candles in somebody's basement, and light. Within 24 hours, the inner walls of the entire complex (up to 4 floors) will be permeated with the faint but pungent smell of a Wendy's restroom for up to 5 years.

I've seen real estate sharks use this method. It's been at the center of several major cases involving arson and so-called insurance fraud. This is, perhaps, the ultimate form of intellectual revenge (oxymoron?) that also happens to fall under the category of "scatological." You can't scrub the smell out. Many houses have been condemned after this prank. It is dangerous and not recommended!

Prank #3: Disguising 2 week's worth of your own urine as a keg of Budweiser beer and delivering it to a college keg party.

...

True, nobody would notice the difference. Just, no.

Prank #4: Mixing tomato chunks with menstruation, and serving with nachos on football night. Did you know that salsa is America's favorite condiment? As a devout ketchup fan, I feel it my obligation to tip the scales. But if you're on the fence about pulling this prank, I will pose a question: do you hate your friends? If not, I suggest you stop digging in the garbage for your girlfriend's used 'pons and go visit Old El Paso!

If so, I think you should know that it goes great with red wings.

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