A surprisingly large number of men enter emergency rooms every week with items lodged in their arses. Like, if we're looking national, the number is double-digits. As if that isn't odd enough, almost all of them make up an excuse to tell the doctors when they get there, because otherwise it would be way too embarrassing.

"Well you see, I was taking a shower after a long day and, wouldn't you know it, earlier that day I'd had taco bell for lunch and I had a bad case of swamp ass. So I figure, hey, I'll just empty a whole bottle of shampoo onto my hand and start really lathering up my asshole. You know, because it had been itching me so badly.

"So there I am, my taint coated in a thin film of soap, and all of the sudden I feel a little dizzy. I fall out of the shower, stumble into the livingroom, I fall onto my coffee table, and somehow this commemorative statue of the twin towers got stuck in my rectum. So what do you say, Doc. Can you help me out?"

Long story short, I think it should be a requirement for all ER doctors to keep their hands warm at all times.