Wednesday, July 15, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Thoughts and Observations:

A fart is like a vacation to somebody's asshole. Think about it! It's a glimpse into what the insides of that person's bowels are like, just as a trip to... say... the Bahamas is a sample of what to expect when living there. Nobody ever tells me, "Hey! We're moving to the Bahamas!" They just take a pleasant little vacation. The same way that while sometimes it's pleasant to walk through a fart cloud or two, you wouldn't want to live in there!

Here's a method of dealing with serial rapists: cut them a new vagina, then rape that. Repeatedly. I'm tired of these sociopaths that go around ruining the sex lives of everybody else. These cretins deserve some life-altering punishments.

So I was having some guy talk with my sweetheart's brother last night. It was all going pretty well until the conversation entered the bedroom. I don't know what I said, but we were comparing girlfriends and at one point he looked like he wanted to sock me in the mouth! I couldn't tell you why. Maybe he's jealous. Tsk tsk, my dear friend... not everybody can have a girl with no gag reflex.

Y'ever meet somebody androgynous? There is somebody at my job that, for the longest time, I thought was a man. Now, don't see this as an insult. I thought that she was a really cool dude! I have a ton of respect for the woman. I'm not nearly as strong a person as she is. If I looked like that, I would have killed myself by now!

Sayings: "Asking Too Much." This is one that I used to hear a lot growin' up back South. Like that time I asked my sister if I could put my penis in her asshole, she said "Yer askin' too much!" Hey, we'd been hookin' up for over a year at that point! How soon is too soon?

A baby only knows its mother, initially. Everybody else is just "some person," including the father. "Who the fuck is this guy?" This would explain why many people have distant and strained relationships with dear ol' Dad! And with infant boys specifically, Mom can sow the seeds for future lifestyle choices better than Dad ever could. Here's a tip for you young mothers out there: breast feed your boys. They'll thank you for it later. I can't tell you how many decisions I've made going on breasts alone. Especially with relationships! Parsing women by breast size can save you a lot of hassle in the long run, boy! Just pick out the gal with the largest breasts and all you have to worry about is keeping her.

I don't think that women should be responsible for having condoms on hand. Men have to take responsibility for something in the bedroom. Women have the toys on hand, the lube, the candles... hell, they'll even milk your prostate if you ask nicely. The least you can do is cover your own dick, right?

Pet Peeves: When auditioning, if I don't get the part, people sometimes tell me "I'm sorry but we've decided to go in a different direction." What do you mean? You hadn't seen my photo nor my resume until I arrived at the audition. The only direction you could've decided to go is "away from me!" Just give me the bad news. I can handle it. Try being simple, honest, and direct. Another place you'll find this problem is in the Human Resources department at work. Sometimes your rep just can't tell you the truth out of fear of hurting your feelings. We have a culture of nice in this country. Tell it like it is, for fuck's sake. We'll all grow up faster that way.

Why don't people use litter boxes? Did they ever use litter boxes? Considering how a cat's litter box makes the average home smell, I'd assume that 3-5 fully grown human beings plopping Cleveland steamers in a plastic tray... well... let's just say that it wouldn't take long before they're basically living in a Dutch oven. Sorry, question answered.

Forbidden Chocolate ice cream. Why is it forbidden? And if it truly is, would it be considered a sin in the eyes of God for me to choose it over normal Chocolate? I never understood the whole "forbidden" thing in regards to food. According to a popular storybook, the so-called forbidden fruit is the reason we're all here! Perhaps it's derived from "for bidding," implying a sense of value. That'd make more sense.

Speaking of God, I have this feeling that Heaven is just a big rave. God may be the host, but even he doesn't know who the fuck showed up. He has billions of guests! Omnipotent or not, that's a lot of fucking heads to count. Plus, he's probably busy getting high on ecstasy and hammering some woman with the herp. The guy that you really need to be concerned about is Saint Peter. Consider him to be Heaven's bouncer; he's either gonna bounce you in or he's gonna bounce you out. And like any typical, ethically-challenged doorman, he'll probably let you in for $50 and a blowjob in back of a cloud somewhere. Also, if Heaven is anything like the busier nightclubs I frequent, boobs are another easy way in.

The problem with anti-abortion activists, and religious zealots in general, is that they always envision the worst case scenario in their arguments. For example, in the case of stem cell research, they assume that developing genetic perfection means the pre-emptive genocide of the mentally disabled. This perturbs me for obvious reasons, of course. (I like retarded people!) But don't you think that this mindset is a little extreme? Just because we make a medical breakthrough doesn't mean that everybody is going to apply it to their situation. Like knowing the gender of a incoming baby; not everybody takes advantage of that ability. On a side note, just because you legalize Mary Jane doesn't mean that everybody is suddenly going to be high all the time!

It's gotta be a pain in the ass for dentists to fix anal cavities.

Things You Never See: A psychic telling you that you're flat-out, drop-dead fucked! There's always a ray of hope when you're getting your fortune told, may it be via your palm, tarot cards, the Zodiac, or through the spirit realm. This isn't realistic. Sometimes things are just going to suck and there's not a God damned thing you can conceivably do about it. Get it? Got it? Good.

Bad Names: Scatman. Like the late actor Scatman Crothers. This one doesn't show up in the census that much anymore, and I can understand why. In this depraved day and age, why would you do your child such a disservice as naming him Scatman? Can you imagine the taunts this kid would receive at school? Put your kid on the right path and leave Scatman in his coffin where he belongs.

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