Friday, December 04, 2009

posted by Jeff at

Parking tickets are my favorite thing. Aren't meter maids just the most polite people you've ever met? Nah. But sometimes they're real litigious cocksuckers, like the time I got a $115 parking ticket in New York City in a zone where you normally pay $3 for three hours of parking. Why the $112 penalty? Isn't that a bit excessive? Another example would be the time I racked up a $25 ticket in Cambridge, MA in under 2 minutes. The meter maid had to have seen me park, and decided to nail me right there. I appealed the charge to no avail, of course. Another pet peeve in this area would be people that parallel-park with no concept of spacial relations. Anybody that eats parking spaces, especially in a crowded city area with limited parking, can eat me.

Pedestrians are fantastic too. Namely those that seem to think that Red means GO and Green means STOP. I'm about ready to put some of these degenerates in a wheelchair for life. No joke. But! I can't be too vindictive, as we're all pedestrians at some point during the day... and frankly they're not all bad. If you drive around Manhattan, despite the dense population, you'll find that commuters there are very astute. They follow crosswalks, obey traffic laws, and generally regard cars as the 2-ton killing machines that they are. Ah, yes... I travel around in a certifiable weapon. That makes me happy.

Backseat drivers. I'll admit, I enjoy driving. I do. That said, unless I'm explicitly driving for recreational purposes (such as off-road adventuring, racing, or good old-fashioned pedestrian hunting) I prefer to get where I'm going and forgo any further discussion on how I'm getting there. Basically, if you have nothing to say that will improve the quality of our shared driving experience and don't want to drive yourself? You can shut the fuck up. Your life is my hands! I'm already going 50 in a 30 with one hand on my iPod and the other on my cell phone. Do you really think it's wise to distract me right now?

Regarding speed zones: in driving class we learned about The Fundamental Speed Law. To refresh some of you, you must follow the posted speed limit unless conditions warrant a different speed. Now, their best example is that when it's snowing you should lower your speed. People tend to disregard the opposite end of the spectrum. If every car on the highway is going 90MPH, you have to go 90MPH! That's how I like to roll.

By the way... y'ever been stuck behind somebody in traffic for so long that you begin to think you recognize their license plate? For an idle moment, you're thinking that "This is familiar! This person must live on my street!" ... despite the fact that it's clearly been registered out-of-state. Total mindfuck. Usually for me it's a Connecticut plate, which may or may not tie into my theory that everybody is somehow originally from Connecticut!

One thing I truly hate is unattentive drivers. Especially the type that are anxious to get to their next destination without planning their trip accordingly. In today's increasingly busy commute, you need to be sharp! Strategic lane choices, alternate route plotting, speed modulating, hazard awareness! I'm including buses under "hazards" because I can't tell you how many cocksuckers seem to willingly get behind a bus only to dangerously pull out into passing traffic because they're "in a hurry." If you're in a hurry, you don't get behind a fucking bus. Hazard awareness is key.

To close this topic, I'd like to "get serious" and talk about something that happens to all of us at some point. Towing. Specifically an incident that occurred only a few months back in which my iPod was stolen by a towing "specialist." I could go into immaculate detail, but I'll spare you... saying only that D&D Towing of South Boston, MA is a [mostly] inconsiderate company that forced me into Small Claims Court because they decided to hire and re-hire a known criminal. The moral of the story: never leave valuables in the car when somebody has unrestricted access to it. No restrictions inevitably lead to corruption, and I've been reading reports from all over the internet about towing companies that damage, steal from, and generally misuse vehicles while taking zero responsibility.

In my case, the driver had an accomplice (which he later denied having) thus forcing me to take public transportation home, given no room in their passenger cab. This is what I call the legal black hole in which one party can be infinitely fucked. Hypothetically they could have emptied my car of every single item, and legally they'd be in the same place: my word against theirs. I enter court in January to dispute this claim. Here's hoping that justice prevails.

Now a joke to lighten the mood,

What do you call a cheap prostitute in Chinatown? Yu-Fuk Fre Li.


Post a Comment

<< Home