Saturday, December 05, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Pet Peeves:

Sarah Palin. What the fuck, OK? She destroyed an old man's dream of becoming president, and now her supporters want to reward her. First, the book deal; either they hired a talented ghostwriter or it's a piece of scat. Critics seem to be leaning toward the latter. There have been rumblings about a talk show for a while, too. Doesn't that involve public speaking? Isn't that how she got in trouble in the first place? I think she should stick to her element and go back to a non-verbal medium, like modeling. Look at the bright side, sweetie... men nationwide still want to ejaculate all over your face. That's more than we can say about Joe Biden, right?

While we're on the subject of ejaculation, I'm getting really tired of overproduced porn. Ask most men and they'll tell you that "pr0n" (as internet users love to call it) is their substitute for sex. Now, is sex the cleanest act you can think of? No! In fact, I'm going to wager 3 vibrating eggs and a double-pronged pink dildo that one big appeal of sex for most people is to escape the hyper-sterilized world we live in. With this in mind, why do so many pornos contain women that appear to be plastic? I've seen assholes so clean that you could eat a fruit salad out of there without getting pinkeye! Is this realistic? No! Personally, I prefer my fantasies to emulate reality as closely as possible... lest they become too far-fetched. However, it goes both ways. Y'ever watch a porno so unflinchingly gross that it turned you off of sex for a month? I've been a victim. On an entirely unrelated note: ladies, please... lay off the seafood before anal sex. A helpful tip from a helpful person.

Modern radio: Like an infected cunt. Yeah, we keep coming back. It's a pussy after all and any man, regardless of orientation... can't resist a good pussy. But! Immediately we realize that it is truly diseased, and leave once again. Me? I'm safe in the comfort of my iPod. My iPod that is 100% free of Kings of Leon, praise Jesus. Here's my beef: the continued celebration of pop stars who do nothing but produce dreck. I'm looking at you, Rob Thomas. Yes, there's a large paycheck involved. So? America's IQ is steadily dropping for a miriad of reasons, and I see no reason to exclude cookie-cutter pop and atrocious "butt rock" from this. True fact: Rock chart-blazer Chris Daughtry names Nickelback's Chad Kroeger as his hero. Enough said.

Another radio pet peeve of mine: rock stations that continue to play the same fucking "classic" songs over and over and over again. Does it matter if the artist is a one-hit wonder? Nah, they're probably better known than the other 90% of musicians that actually produce high-quality, innovative work. Familiarity is comforting, but come on folks! A good example would be Blind Melon, or Bush. Bush was a low-rent ripoff of Nirvana, and yet they still get played every day on rock radio. I can understand classic rock stations playing the same Rolling Stones or Boston or Zeppelin songs every day for 30 years, but that's because those bands accomplished something. Those bands are timeless. The only thing Bush accomplished was its frontman getting in some actress's pants before his candle burnt out. Keep an eye on the tabloids: his relationship with Gwen Stefani is gonna be on deathwatch soon if it isn't already. Like that dopey fuck from the Black Crowes! He ain't tappin' Kate Hudson anymore, surprise surprise.

Toaster Strudel commercials: "It's better than a Pop-Tart!" Same fucking thing, less frosting. Next.

Attention: People who use Facebook solely as a promotional device for their careers! I'm coming to Christmas, and I'm going to light your parents on fire. God, some of these self-promoting and/or boastful status updates make me want bad things to happen. Here's a status update for you: nobody gives a fuck about your status. Kay? The one reprieve I have is Facebook's ever-evolving Hide function. Don't want to hear from somebody? Hide from them! Just like in the real world.

People that use complicated synonyms to get across simple ideas. For one, additional syllables are inefficient. Secondly, it could simply confuse people. Like that time I invited my mother to see a play with me. "I'ma go to the playhouse and watch the thespians do their thing, Ma." She never saw another play with me again! And note that in the case of "thespian" versus "actor," the latter has fewer syllables and its meaning is self-explanatory. I don't need a pretentious cocksucker trying to prove to me that they're smart with seldom-used language that's not universally known. It's elitist and pointless.

Yuppies. Why don't we take these ingrates out of the voting class already?

ATM fees. Didn't the bailout earn these companies enough money? Bank of America doesn't need $3 every time I run into another fuckwad that can't take a debit card. The space between the upper 1% and the rest of us is widening. To stop this travesty, ATM fees need to be the first casualty.

People who talk in the movie theater. Mostly the people that say lines from the movie, either directly after the actor says it... or in some cases beforehand. I just want to vigorously abort their unborn children.

Lukewarm food. Most notably meat during the holidays. It seems that every single Christmas gathering, I have to deal with pork that apparently traveled 35 miles through the snow getting from the stove to my plate. Maybe it's just me, but I like things either hot or cold. Don't give me lukewarm sushi unless you want me to upchuck on your brand-new loafers. Pizza's another good example: fresh out of the oven, it's as if God himself came in my mouth. After a night in the refrigerator, it generates a similar effect. Anywhere in between... I'd rather eat out a homeless man's asshole.

Right To Life. From anti-abortion lobbyists to seatbelt laws, from opponents of suicide to proponents of life support... everybody wants to make law what should be a choice. I'm tired of getting in the car and hearing a ration of shit from some backseat driver about how I should be wearing my God damned seatbelt. Here's the rub, Scruba Dub... it's my life. I decide how I'm going to live it. Seatbelts are uncomfortable and aren't 100% reliable in every situation. It's not a necessary precaution unlike, say, a breathing apparatus during a deep sea dive. If I'm going to be in control of 2 tons of moving death, I should be able to control what's happening inside the vehicle. Especially if it relates to me and only to me. What business is it of the government's if I want to passively risk my health? They haven't outlawed smoking, have they?

Staying on the same topic, I'll make this point succinctly: suicide is a viable alternative. Do I want to commit suicide? No. Should somebody with family responsibilities commit suicide? No. But pulling the plug should always be a legal option for a consenting individual.

Dead ends on Google. Scenario: You have a question, and... yes! You find a link to where somebody already asked that question... but they didn't get an answer. And the timestamp is sometime in 2003. Fuck! Another web-related thing that bugs me: sites that refuse to load solely because their sponsors won't properly load. Bleh.

Being called exclusively by my last name in a regular social setting. This is childhood stuff, but back then it had a purpose. If you were on the school football team, your surname was your sole means of visual identification on the field. Look, folks... we're not in grade school anymore. If you want to be my friend, call me Jeff. "Tidwell" is extremely impersonal, and frankly I consider it a light form of antagonism.

Ambiguity and flat-out lying in the dating world... especially when trends start to emerge. Now, I won't lie: over the years I've had a healthy sex life. I enjoy a quality nightlife, a respectable portion of my dates ending in base hits; a solid percentage in which I've slid into home plate. I'm enjoying myself while being respectful towards whoever I'm with... which is more than many people can claim. That said, I am tired of making plans with somebody only to have them cancel last minute. Sometimes I literally have to make plans with several entries in my little black book for the same timeframe in the hopes that one of them will actually go out, and not leave me calling my friends.

Here's what I find the most troubling: specific excuses have become trendy!

1. "I'm getting sick." They often tell me this many days in advance.

2. "I have friends coming in from out of town." I virtually never have friends in from out of town, and if I did, it wouldn't be with alarming consistency. Women sometimes use this excuse 2-3 weekends in a row, clearly diluting its believability and showing just how much they care.

3. "I have a lot of cleaning to do." On a Saturday night.

Look, this goes for both genders: if you're not interested, say you're not interested. The sooner the better, because personally? I always have another 5-10 women lining up to sit on my cock and I don't need you eating up my schedule with bullshit. If you're not that into somebody, don't lead them on. I can't speak for you gals out there... but men get rejected a lot. We can handle it. As I've said in the past, we've formed this culture of nice and it's holding us back as a species. Don't be afraid to tell it like it is. Allow me to lead by example!

"Your teeth look like somebody bashed in a badger's skull, your dye job is the color of a failed Sno-Cone, and I can smell your putrid secretions from here."


"What? Look honey, I know I'm acting like a prick. I'm a professional actor. Don't try to compromise my artistic integrity! Oh, and one last thing sweetheart...

You're not 12 anymore. Lose the fucking glitter."


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