Sunday, December 06, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Thoughts and Observations:

My Uncle Bill is a swell guy. You wouldn't know it if you looked at him, but Uncle Bill? He's lived enough to fill several lifetimes! In his 53 years... he's slept with over 3,000 women (despite being in a monogamous marriage for the past 25 years!) had 50 different girlfriends during his army tour in Korea, spoke candidly to Paul McCartney on the phone during the recording of Abbey Road, owned 30 cats (one at a time!) and broken countless promises to his nieces and nephews! It's OK, Uncle Bill, I didn't want that moped, go-kart, treehouse, and fully restored 1967 Chevrolet Camaro anyway! Helpful Tip: Don't let Uncle Bill know if you're gay! If you do he'll call you a cock-sucking faggot for 2 minutes, right before he tears your face off with a dinner fork!

Observation: Why are actors and musicians so alluring, notably on stage? I think it's because they're in their element. How often do you get to meet a potential new love interest having already seen them at the peak of their powers, effortlessly showcasing their craft? Ideally, a performer embodies confidence on a stick. Is that gonna be a turn-on? Absolutely.

Thought: Farting when you get out of the shower defeats the entire purpose. You need to get all of the dirty stuff out of the way before cleaning up. That way, you're able to savor complete cleanliness for a little while longer. Otherwise, you're just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Plus, there's nothing worse than a wet fart. Dry farts spatter less.

Words: "duress" and "distress." I know that they have slightly different meanings in the dictionary, but they're almost identical. They even have similar spelling! Why do we need two? Another minor quibble I have is when people use the word "grouping" as a noun. It's not a grouping, Mr.Wizard, it's a group. Stop needlessly expanding words.

Thought: I could play a vampire on TV. Going by pop culture's standard of what a human leech looks like... I've got the complexion, the facial structure, the haircut, the physique, and even the style! Absolutely. I am a vampire. Helpful Tip: Women love it when you go down on them during their period!

Observation: Y'ever say something to compliment somebody, but accidentally put the words just a little out of order and the meaning is somehow completely reversed? It happens more often than you think. Isn't the English language great?

Helpful Tip: Men everywhere, put down your razors! In the quest to shave your crotch, Nair is your most trusted companion. It's much easier, and the chances of you digging a blade into your johnson drop significantly. I just Naired my ballsack this morning! Now it's so smooth that I feel an uncanny urge to suck on it myself. If only that were possible.

People That Need to Get Laid:

1. Straight women that "marry" their girlfriends on Facebook.
2. Pretty much anybody that works at a pharmacy.
3. Everybody in the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcasting community.

Helpful Tip: This is for the guys. Y'ever notice how when you have to take a dump, things seem more fun and interesting? Or how you get a mild orgasm when you drop a few Lincoln logs in the ol' water closet? It's all about your prostate, gentlemen. Remember, it's not just for getting cancer! Now, you can use this information to your advantage if you'd like. One suggestion I have is to hold a big load in your ass whenever you're doing something terribly unfun... like clothes shopping with the Misses! The only problem you'd face is that if you had the runs and accidentally let loose while you were trying on some new trousers. Still, the whole experience would be a lot more invigorating, and you could always just put the soiled garment back on the shelf with the other pants. Inject a little spice into the day of the next person to try 'em on! Right? Right.

Observation: I've noticed that when most people assume they're about to be hit by something, their first instinct is to close their eyes and brace for impact. Isn't that a little sad? I'm surprised that more people don't think to dodge. Ah, we're used to laying down and taking a beating in today's America. Maybe it's not such a surprise.

Tips For Dating:

1. Never lie about your cock size to a potential sex partner. "Wait, hold on... stop... stop. This isn't 9 inches... I don't want a liar cumming inside me!" "TOO LATE, BABY."

2. In online dating, usually your potential dates will be using what they believe is the best picture they have available to represent themselves. So if that picture looks like an aborted whale fetus, well... you should probably keep moving.

3. You got a woman's phone number. Score! But now it's time to schedule your first real date, and there's a world of errors to be made here. My suggestions for avoiding them: no movies, no extremely loud bars, no inviting/meeting friends, and no daytime dates! If you want your penis to shrivel up like a newborn pug, try going on a date at 2PM.

Observation: Pedestrians have no speed regulations. There are no sidewalk lanes, signs, or signal lights to hinder things... but everybody walking in front of you is always just a bit too slow anyway. Innit great?

Gift Registries. A great idea that's been implemented very well. I only have one giant suggestion: buy early while the selection is good! Otherwise, you're gonna be stuck bringing a gift-wrapped box of spoons to somebody's wedding shower. The only possible upside? You'll have cause to ask the bride-to-be, "Wanna spoon?" The sad part is that people will actually laugh at that.

Thought: Cities are great. I live near a major city and as such I tend to spend most of my nightlife there. Unfortunately, cities always have more homeless people. Good fucking grief. You can't walk 3 feet in historic Cambridge, MA without a filthy bum begging you for a couple of coins. But ah, good news! I've solved this little dilemma. How? By telling 'em God's honest truth! "I'm sorry sir, but we're in the debit card renaissance. If there's any other way I can help, I want you to know I'm here for you." Then I slam him over the head with an Obama '08 campaign sign and continue on my way. An eye for an eye.

Canadian Geese: I started a new job this past week with a major financial institution. On Tuesday, I was driving through their parking lot and happened to notice a car stopped in the right lane. I looked more closely and saw that the driver was waiting for a whole flock of Canadian geese to cross the street. Majestic, majestic creatures. It was around this moment that my car suddenly jerked and my wheel began thumping loudly. God damned speed bumps. It sounded like my rotor had been knocked loose. Fuck! So I'm driving to my parking spot, wheel still thumping, and for some reason everybody's staring at me. I'm very pretty, so it's not completely unexpected. I had a fun day of operations training, and a delicious cranberry walnut chicken salad for lunch. Mmm mmm good. When I returned to my vehicle later that afternoon, I found a damned near unrecognizable goose carcass wedged tightly in my wheelwell. Forty-five pounds of dried blood, flesh, bone fragments, and just the most delicate feathers I've ever seen... smattered all over the front-left side of the car. Thankfully, I was able to extract most of the goose's skeleton from my brakes with a simple tree branch, and the Bubble Circus Car Wash handled the rest.

I'm so glad my rotor is OK.


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