Thursday, December 03, 2009

posted by Jeff at
Thoughts and Observations:

Words: "Sizeable." When used regularly, it implies that something is large. But at face value, shouldn't it mean that something can be sized? And just because somebody can be sized doesn't mean that it's necessarily huge. "Bob's penis is sizeable, and we've determined that it is a Small!"

Sorry Bob, that's modern English for you. Here's another item of interest.

"Contemplating." Why is this the word people always use in association with suicide? Can't people deliberate over whether or not to commit suicide, or decide, or determine? Couldn't you mull over suicide, or ponder it? How about "I'm thinking about committing suicide!" Simple and direct. Or perhaps you could consider suicide. "I'm considering suicide." Stop giving "contemplating" the graveyard shift already.

Observation: Most women don't deserve me. Yeah, that makes me sound narcissistic... but they know it. I often hear the more religious ones whisper prayers in my presence!

"God, what did I do to deserve this?"

Thought: Men's deodorant and body spray smell like semen. AXE is the worst offender. Don't believe me? Fill your bathroom waste basket with cum-soaked toilet paper after a week of jerking off. The odor will be faintly reminiscent of the fragrance aisle at CVS. Seriously... Old Spice smells like somebody came in a flower. Gentlemen! Let's not get ahead of ourselves, huh?

Good Idea: A retirement home with a funeral parlor located in the North Wing. "Hey Carl, where'd Phil go?" ... "Ah, they transferred him to th' North Wing."

Observation: As far as I can tell, there is only one Baldwin brother. The others are imperfect clones. Daniel is even melting, slowly but surely. His career certainly is, anyway.

Thought: I am starting to get really creeped out by how much Tyler Perry likes to dress up like his grandma. I thought it was a passing phase, but it's not. He doesn't need to be that character anymore, he's proven himself in other areas! For example... his absolutely riotous, Seinfeld-killing sitcoms on TBS. Is it possible that he might have some weird fetish? I'm voting 1 for "yes."


Aesop's Fables. Aesop had a crackerjack concept, you have to admit. He simply took the God out of the Old Testament... and marketed the remaining parables. Just like seedless watermelons. Brilliant.

Good Idea: Rape contracts! I can't claim credit for this one. I actually encountered a girl with one of these a few years ago. All in all, it can be a pretty safe bet and fun for both partners! You can make them as detailed as you want, though it can get a little hairy with all of the stipulations. "YOU CAN FUCK MY ANUS RAW, BEAT MY FACE TO A THROBBING PULP, AND CUM IN MY EYES... BUT IF YOU CARESS MY NECK, I SWEAR TO GOD..." You don't even need verbal consent in this regard, just make sure everything is stated in the fine print and properly notarized by the lady!

Now, you're probably asking... why would one want to rape somebody? Legally absolved or not? Two reasons. A. A lot of women desire to be raped in a controlled environment. Don't ask. B. It's such a rush, you know? You're clutching a rape contract scribbled in Crayola on a dinner napkin, you're high as a kite on angel dust, and the safe word is "KEEP GOING."

Such a rush.

Oops! Some waiter in Florida came onto a dude's oysters. The poor guy couldn't tell the difference. Nobody knew until the waiter blogged about it.

Pancakes and syrup. Ironically two of the cheapest food components to purchase, and arguably the most delicious. Factoid: Did you know that Aunt Jemima was a slave? Yup! And circa the Emancipation Proclamation, she took her wonderful maple syrup recipe and sold it on her own, becoming a successful entrepreneur. Then her former owner got jealous and shot her in the face with a revolver. His family owns the company to this day.

Helpful Tip: If you're an inmate, lube yourself before you go to bed. In the event that you're assaulted and raped in your sleep, it won't hurt nearly as much. Like the Boy Scout motto says, "Be Prepared." In fact... now that I think of it, a former Boy Scout leader gave me this tip!

Tiger Woods. Why does the public need to be so involved in his personal life? Is it because he's a role model? That begs the question: why is he a role model? Is it because he's an amazing golfer? Is it because he's a black billionaire? I understand that those are in short supply, but look at it this way. Vijay Singh is an amazing golfer and he's black, and nobody gives a fuck.

Are people's personal lives so boring that they need to embellish the shortcomings of a rich person's and then report it ubiquitously to make themselves feel better? Aren't there more important things to talk about than who a billionaire athlete decides to sleep with? If we had focused on how many women Wilt Chamberlain had fucked in the 1960s, I'm positive that he wouldn't be remembered for his basketball legacy. Separate the art from the artist: Tiger is a great golfer. As a family man, he's a miscreant... but it's not my family so it's not my business. The only time I want to see his face in the newspaper is when I flip to the Sports section. Danke.

Sidebar: I'm counting the days until 2009 is over so we can finally close the book on JON AND KATE PLUS 8. A New Year's resolution for television executives: we don't want our TV stars more realistic. If I want to see a couple of miserable commoners and their ugly children, I'll go to the mall. As far as their massive media exposure during the summer was concerned, I have to admit I was a bit perplexed. Since when are a lifeless shitbag and an abrasive cunt news?

I thought that was what being American was all about!


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