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Josh Johnson
Born
in 1984, Josh Johnson started with humble beginnings. His mother, a
nurse, and his father, a computer programmer, abandoned him in the
wilds of Africa at 6 months old, hoping for for an "annulment of
their decision not to have an abortion".
Josh survived,
with the help of a kindly albino gorilla named "Agarow", which
roughly translates into english as "Hot Coco". As her name may have
led you to believe, Agarow was a primate hooker. Shortly after
discovering the infant, Agarow gave birth to her own; a birthing of
4 bastard love-apes, given to her by a thankless customer's refusal
to wear a gorilla condom.
Agarow's newly
found motherhood took it's toll on her, and she felt compelled to
raise young Josh as her own. With her guidance, Josh rose to a
dominant roll in their tribe. At age 7, Josh had become the leader
of their pack, and had his choice of the newly matured females each
cycle. But deep-down, Josh still felt empty.
During the spring
of 1993, Christian missionaries came to that portion of Africa,
seeking to infect the minds of the native humans with the teachings
of Jesus Christ. The missionaries took one look at the closest
village, and deemed all the "Brown people" "Godless Heathens". Being
good Christians, they felt it their moral obligation to kill all the
villagers.
The missionaries
destroyed the human village, then set fire to the forest that housed
Josh and his primate brethren. All of Josh's opposable-thumbed
friends and family perished in the blaze, but Josh survived.
Bittered by the deaths of his comrades, Josh crawled from the ashes
of his fallen home to seek revenge on the world. He taught himself
to read the english language by examining the writings on a candy
bar wrapper left behind by those insolent Christians. Then, using
the "Made in" information from the same wrapper, determined that his
murderous travels would have to conclude somewhere in the United
States.
Josh arrived in
America, and quickly acclimated to his new environment. After
several days of watching American television, Josh developed an
acute sense of apathy, and quickly forgot about his bloodlust. He
took up the easiest career he could think of; Hobo, with basic
computer skills, who can somehow manage to type.
These skill sets
made him perfect for the Job of an internet writer. He worked
several jobs reviewing video games for online gaming sites. He even
did quite a few interviews with game industry executives. Josh felt
he'd landed a cushy job that was right for him, yet, he really,
really hated being told what to do by his bosses and editors. This
hatred led to a quick de-evolution into Josh's original state of
bloodlust.
After burying the
bodies of his ex-coworkers, Josh decided he should strike out on his
own. In late 1999, Egodriven.Net was born. It's original audience of
nothing more then a few friends, and patrons of an online forum for
a game called "Jailbreak", eventually turned into what it is now;
Legions of fans who appreciate Josh's knack for dick and fart jokes,
interspaced with various sexual innuendo, and politically incorrect
social commentary. EgoDriven.Net now enjoys a place as one of the
most viewed comedy websites in the world. |
Josh at a "Purely Suburban
Problem" photoshoot in 2005. Damn I'm Sexy.
Josh, age 14, trying to commune with his primal
roots in the wishing pool at a mall. Picture taken by a very
confused shopper who just bought an underwater camera. |
