Why Do Men Want to (Insert Kinky Disgusting Thing Here)?

     Normally in this section I try to deal with rather adult subjects using words and phrasing that, while they occasionally get a little "raunchy", are usually firmly in the realm of PG-13. Works well, I think. Makes it so I don't get creeped out by the occasional piece of fanmail from 14 year old girls. But this section won't be quite so PG-13. You asked for it, you got it. On this very page I'm going to reveal to you some closely guarded secrets in the realm of penii'd people. The reasons behind some of the more commonly requested (by men) sex acts that most women (and some men) regard as very, very kinky.

Blowjobs

     Blowjobs at this point aren't much of a taboo anymore for most people, but there are still some out there that don't understand the appeal, so allow me to explain.

     Ladies, think of a penis as a tourist. Your vagina is his home. He loves his home. His home means a whole lot to him. But sometimes, he feels like he needs to do something different. You know, "Get away for the weekend". With that in mind, think about what your mouth actually is, in the broadest, physical sense. It's a hole in your body that is soft and moist and warm, and it has a tongue, which is capable of some truly amazing things. To a penis, your mouth is a day-pass to Disney World. He wants to get in there and see the sights, enjoy some rides. Get his picture taken with the tonsils, "teabag" your "teacup", that kinda thing. He wants to "empty his wallet somewhere different", then go to sleep, and go back to his home in the morning.

     Blowjobs aren't that mysterious. What woman doesn't enjoy oral sex herself? But here comes (pun intended) the more misunderstood aspect of some blowjobs;

Facials/Pearl Necklaces

     For those of you who are unfamiliar with these phrases, let me define them before I explain them. A "facial" is when a man orgasms, and ejaculates on your face. A "pearl necklace" is when he ejaculates on your breasts.

     Now that I've grossed out the small portion of my readers who've never heard those two euphemisms before, let me explain to you why some men find them so appealing.

     Men are disgusting creatures. All men, without exception. Some men just leave the toilet seat up, some men scratch themselves in public, some men like jizzing all over an attractive woman's naked body. To each their own. But here's the logistics of the "facial/pearl necklace" situation in particular.

     It's kinky. Really kinky. And hot. Really hot. I'm sorry, it's one of those things that's kind of hard to explain unless you have a penis, and have already experienced this honor. Sure, there are definite and undeniable "dominance" factors here, and for some men, that's all it is. But there's something else to some men. I can't quite put my finger on it, but goddamn is it ever a warm and fuzzy feeling to see cum dribbling down your chin and falling in globs down onto your tits.

     Now that I've disgusted many of you, let's see what I can do to make the rest of you grimace.

Anal Sex         

     Ah, anal. A lot of women greatly misunderstand a heterosexual man's wishes to stick his penis into their ass. They get upset at the wrong things, and start asking questions like "Do you like anal more then vaginal?", and "You fucker! You do, don't you!? You like it in my ass more than my cooch! You're a fucking perv!" This kind of reaction is completely understandable ladies, but really, you're kind of missing the point (no pun intended, though that is really punny).

     If, to your man, your mouth is Disney World, then sticking his penis inside of your asshole is the equivalent of a 3 day, 2 night vacation to Hawaii. It's not better, it's just different. I can't speak for all men on this one, but I looooove me some vaginal intercourse. It's fantastic. I could have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But... Again, with that in mind, think of what your asshole actually is in the broadest, physical sense.

     It's a hole in your body that is soft and moist and warm, and it's extraordinarily tight. Do not think of a man wanting to fuck you in the ass as a man "trading up"... That's so not the case. It's a man wanting to try something different for a change. It feels good. And it's kinky. And I'm sorry ladies, but the more taboo something is, the more a guy is going to want to do it. Such is life. Butt-sex is a different sensation, and in the buffet that is life, switching it up from time to time is just an appealing thing to want to do.

Titty-Fucking

     My girlfriend brought this one up. It had totally slipped my mind (my mind being a very slippery place). It took a more hands on demonstration to properly explain it to her, but let's see if I can get the point across here without physically pushing your breasts together and inserting a finger.

     As I've explained before, men love breasts. They're neat little blobs of fat that we just love to play with. But, if you have tits that are about 34C's or larger, then your tits have the potential to be much more than just attractive blobs. With a little lubrication, and a lot of generosity on the woman's part, those breasts can be held together while an erect penis slides between them. Now, the question here is "Why".

     ... Because we like them, and it feels good. Breasts are very, very nice. I for one am a big fan of breasts. But why settle for just looking at them when you can have a "totally immersive" experience? It feels good. That's why we wanna do it. That, and sometimes we can pinch your nipples while we're... You know, maybe I'm getting a bit too graphic.

     That's the best explanation I can give you, I guess. If that's not enough, push your breasts together and insert a finger 400-500 times between them. Then imagine your finger is your clit. Um... Sorry, I guess I'm just not too helpful here. But if you do decide to try that little experiment, feel free to send me pictures.

Bondage

     Ah, bondage. Yeah, this one's actually pretty simple, and seeing as how most practitioners of bondage are female, I didn't initially see reason to include it here. But then I remembered that men have different reasons for pretty much everything they have in common with women... So, here it goes.

     Guys like control. When you're tied up, you can't move (Duh). When you can't move, he can do any little kinky thing he wants, and you can't physically stop him. Obviously there are downsides in this arrangement if, for instance, you just met the guy, had a drink, and woke up handcuffed in the back of his van. But, if this is your boyfriend/fiancé/husband, then if you can trust him not to "accidentally" stick it in your ass for the first time, it can be an enjoyable experience for both parties. Sometimes.

     Well, there you go. There's a short list of disgusting things men want, and some of the reasons why. Men like so many things that women wish they didn't, that I'm sure I'll be following this one up. So until then, yeah... Men are stupid.

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Chapter 16: The Idiots Guide to Erections